Friday, May 13, 2011
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. That takes all of the strength I have in my body right now.
Deep breath...forge ahead. I haven’t blogged for a few weeks now. It is not because I haven’t had the time or haven’t had anything to say. It is because I have been having a great big pity party for myself the last several weeks and I don’t want to invite anyone else to the party… ‘cause who wants to go to a party where no one is having any fun.
Just breathe. But breathing hurts right now and I am afraid if I breathe too deeply it may break loose the dam holding back the tears that I am a fighting to keep control of…only releasing a few at a time. In fact I woke up this morning with my eyes so incredibly swollen. My eyelids are so puffy they look as though they were injected with saline. Before today the only time my eyes ever have looked like this was after a violent cry…but not this time. No, I think this time my eyes swelled up with the tears I have been holding back, the tears I fear I will drown in and will keep me from ever finding my breath again.
Be thankful for each breath…that what I would like to do. Because turning 42 next week might mean the end of my dream of giving birth to a child, but there are still so many other wishes that have the chance of coming true…and so many reasons to have hope.
“Breathe in His Word." That is all the advice, all the words of wisdom, all the encouragement I can handle right now. Because right now hope eludes me. There are no words that can comfort me…only time and tears and God will heal my broken heart. So I will just keep breathing and trusting that the future will one day look brighter…and I won’t have to think about breathing.